What Does anxiety look like in stay at home moms?

In my coaching practice and my own life experience, anxiety in Stay-At-Home-Moms often doesn’t look like panic attacks or obvious fear.

Instead, it looks like constant worry.

You worry about your kids, the cleanliness of the house, the food you’re serving, your children’s education, their physical development, how much playing time they will get, schedules, and whether or not you are meeting your own extremely high standards.

Anxiety can look like an inability to relax, even after the kids go to bed.  It can look like lying awake at night because your brain won’t stop running though tomorrow’s to-do list.

You might believe that if you could just control everything, your kids will be safe, happy, and successful.

It might feel like overwhelm.  It may show up as racing thoughts. Sometimes it looks like burnout because you don’t ask for help- you don’t trust anyone else to do things the ‘right’ way. 

If any of this sounds familiar it makes total sense.

Many moms have been fed the belief that a good mother does it all. 

Her children never misbehave. 

All of her food is organic and homemade.

She has her kids enrolled in every enriching activity

Homeschools them flawlessly

Socializes them with the perfect peer group

Exercises daily

And somehow remains mentally, emotionally, and physically strong at all times.  

In other words, society often tells mothers that the minimum standard is being superhuman.

The problem is that this belief comes with a cost.  

You stop asking yourself what you actually think, want, and value.  Instead, you look to social media, parenting influencers, and other peopl’es expectations.

You stay up late scrubbing the kitchen floor when you should be sleeping.  You feel defeated because your two-year old still won’t put away his toys.  You lose sight of what matters most to you and start measuing your worth by whether you’re being a ‘good mom’.

The Good News

The good news is that you can begin changing this.

I am not a doctor, and I can’t tell you whether medication is right for you.  For some women, medication is incredibly helpful.  For others, coaching and lifestyle changes make a significant difference.  Many use a combination of approaches.

What I can tell you is that a large portion of the anxiety I see in moms comes from practiced thought patterns and unquestioned beliefs.

And that happens to be my area of expertise.

Let’s Tal About Your Brain

Your brain is not designed to be an objective truth-teller.

Its primary jobs are to keep you alive, scan for thresats, conserve energy, and seek pleasure.

Whe you aren’t inteionally managin your thoughts, your brian can become very good at spotting problems- real or imagined.

If you automatically believe every thoughtyour brain offers, the world starts to feel like a dangerous place.  It makes sense that you’d try to control everything around you in order to feel safe.

Some thoughts sound loving and responsible but actually fuel anxiety:

What am I missing?

Am I ruining my kids?

Why can’t I handle this?

I should be______ why am I not?

I am falling behind. How can I make up for the lost time?

These questions seem productive.  They feel like you’re evaluating and improving.

But if you’re constantly asking them from a place of fear, they often create more stress instead of more solutions.

You have taken a useful tool; evaluating the situation, desiring to improve, maternal love, and social awareness, and accidently turned it against yourself.

A hammer is designed to drive a nail, not to smash your finger.  

Question the Questions

When anxious thoughts start running through your mind, try questioning the questions themselves.

First, ask whether the question is even worth answering.

Question: Sarah works and homeschools her kids, why am I not more like Sarah?

Response: Do I even want to work or homeschool my kids?  Is it relevant to the life I’m trying to create? Do I actually care about this or am I comparing myself to someone ese’s priorities?

If the answer is no, let the comparison go.

If the answer is yes, then get specific with confidence instead of panic.

Question: What am I missing?

Response: I don’t know right now. But if I discover I am missing something important, I’ll figure it out.

Notice the difference.

The original question demands perfection. The new answer allows room for being human.

It tells your brain: “I don’t have to know everything today.  Ican trust myself to handle future probelm when they arrive.”

Three Things to Remember

Learning to challenge your thoughts begins with three simple ideas:

1- Not every thought is true

2- You are allowed to question your thoughts

3- You can intentionally  choose new thoughts that create different results.

At first, this feels strange.

You may be surprised by some of the thoughts you’ve been practicing for years.

I still have moments where I catch a thought and realize:

“Wait a second, that is not a fact.  It is just a thought.”

That awareness is powerful.

Don’t Ignore the External Factors

Managing your mind and becoming a Brain Boss is a huge glow up BUT it is so much easier to do when you have the external systems and support in place.

Anxious feelings and racing thoughts are amplified by:

Chronic sleep deprivation

Overloaded schedules

Rlationship struggles

Unaddressed health conditions

Lack of exercise

Too much screen time

Poor diet

Excessive caffeine 

A good boss makes sure that her employee has all the resources she needs to succeed.

Think of yourself the same way.

Pay attention to when you feel most anxious.

Did you sleep poorly?

Have you had three cups of coffee and no food or water?

Are you watching your child compete and feel naturally protective?

Get curious instead of judgemental.

Become a scientist of your own life.

Start noticing patterns between what you’re doing, what you’re thinking, and how you’re feeling.

The goal is awareness and empowerment.

They give you options.

A Few Misconceptions About Anxiety

Anxiety does not need to go away for you to have a full, fun, amazing life.

Wanting medication to make this process easier does not make you weak.  It might mean that you figure out how to manage your thoughts faster actually.

I need to be motivated to change my entire life to fix my anxiety.  You need to be willing to try and make one change at a time and talk back to your brain.

Seeing me anxious is bad for my kids.  Watching you learn to take care of your whole self is the best gift you can give your kids.

Final Thoughts

Friend, I want you to know that a clamer life is possible.

You can enjoy motherhood without constantly feeling on high alert.

You can learn to trust yourself.

You can stop treating every thought like a fact.

You can create a life where your brain sometimes worries, a completely normal human response, but doesn’t run the entire show.

And that work starts with one simple step:

The next time your brain asks a question that creates fear, pause and question the question.